The Best Blog EVER! (explicit)

Tweet about this you Twit!

2009-08-10T16:46:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe the social networking explosion occurring over the past few years. Social networking is probably one of the highest rated forms of squandering workplace resources to date. Everything from reconnecting with old friends to getting dates from behind a keyboard is main stream now. Social networking has become for the internet what reality shows have become for TV: More addictive and somehow chocked full of more meaningless content. I keep hearing about Twitter online, TV, radio and even on billboards. “Follow us on Twitter”, “Twitter this and Twitter that”. Being the naturally inquisitive type, I began to do a little research on what Twitter was. Wasting my time by weeding through most of the bullshit posted by Twit’s on the internet, I was able to save you a little time and share my findings.

Firstly, what IS Twitter?
It turns out that Twitter is a convenient way to post our daily lives for everyone to exploit. Things like “taking a nap” to “reading my mail” are posted or “tweeted” all over for everyone to read. Posts must contain less than 140 words total and are sent via computer or wireless data enabled devices.

Where did Twitter come from?
We have a man named Jack Dorsey to thank for this marvel of modern crapware. He obviously has led a pathetic life and was; like many shameful losers, more interested in the lives of others. Most likely he was simply sick and tired of the hassle with restraining orders brought about by standing outside other people’s windows while rubbing one off. Obsessively Jack wondered if there might be an opportunity to watch every move of his friends/cohorts legally. Then one day it hit him like a load in the back of the head at the Porn Palace! He could finally use his skills as a salesman for something other than negotiating bail! He might be able to convince strangers it was fun to update every aspect of their lives continuously with a computer (cr)application. When he brought the idea up to his socially inept, computer savvy, Dungeon and Dragons role playing friends, it must have been unanimous that an application HAD to be built. Thus twitter was born of bath-house constituents who were residents of the infamously tolerant city… San Francisco, CA.

Why are so many people queer for Twitter?
Quite simply, many people’s lives are built on a foundation of shit. If there is one thing that makes shitty lives better, it’s the thought of someone else with an even shittier life. Twitter makes getting the scoop on your shittier friends simple. For example: You just received your paltry paycheck from Kentucky Taco Hut, and of course you’re going to feel bad about that. Who wouldn’t pal! Twitter doesn’t blame or judge you unlike that slut of a girlfriend you had (that decided she needed someone more financially stable to support her bi-annual abortion clinic visits). In fact, this is where Twitter comes to the rescue! Sure your paycheck wouldn’t pay the taxes on MY vehicle payment but isn’t it gratifying to know that slut is pregnant with a stranger’s bastard child again? There, there, now you feel better about yourself and your paycheck doesn’t seem so bad. Besides, who would blame you for not dealing with the fact that your Mother just got dropped off in the yard by someone in a white van? Not Twitter; that’s who! Twitter makes you oblivious to the fact that Mom showed up to the door wearing a dog collar with mascara streaming down her cheeks! It makes living with your parents much more tolerable when you know your Twitter friend is in the E.R. because he got jack-hammered in the ass by a pack of faggot thugs with AIDS.

Isn't Twitter just too much information?
Are you kidding me? Who doesn’t NEED to know?
-Joyce is in the bathroom.
-Paula Abdul is not going to return for another season of American Idiot, err Idol.
-Veronica is itching “down there” and has to change her pad because Aunt Flows in the house?
What if you never knew that Bobby was at the free clinic getting checked for VD because he slipped it to a sinister looking $20 hooker? I’ll tell you what would happen. You’d wake up and realize that the neighbors next door have been using your sister for a toilet as a hobby! Not only that, they’ve been taking bets to see how much they can humiliate her before she commits suicide in your Dad’s garage! Who needs to deal with that shit? NOT YOU! You have Twitter to keep you immersed in other people’s misfortunes. It sure sucks to be them, doesn’t it pal?
With Twitter, there is only one simple question to answer; “What are you doing?” You know your friends are DYING to see what is going on in your life. Now is he chance to share with them the fact that you’re airing out your underwear because you forgot to do your laundry. Maybe you could give them something really interesting to read like how you just found out you failed your GED (again). You can even share minute details with your friends. Things like covering the bruises on your face after unsatisfying sex and the angry beat-down that ensued from your boyfriend. Or how about sharing the consistency of your vomit after you tried to “end it all” by eating aspirin. With Twitter, YOU have the power!

Yes, but am I right for twitter?
Let’s examine this important question further with a checklist developed to help you make an informed decision about becoming a Twitter fanatic, or “Twit”.

-Have acquaintances thrown rocks at you and told you to die?
-Do either of you’re parents openly admit they you were a bad mistake?
-Have you ever been accused of being a stalker (cyber or otherwise)?
-Have you ever felt upset that the Columbine shootings beat you to the punch?
-Have you considered sex in trade for money?
-Did either of your parents attempt to trade you for Meth?
-Would you literally kill a friend just to make the pain go away?
-Have you transcended genders or are unhappy with your genital orientation?
-Have you ever dressed up as a character from Harry Potter?
-Do you wish you were a Vampire?
-Have you ever called something you own “your precious”.
-Did you watch and enjoy a Micheal Moore documentary?
-Do you currently own an iPhone?
-Have you ever closed your eyes, gritted your teeth and rocked back in forth to stop the voices in your head?
-Do you have the uncontrollable urge to masturbate during family gatherings?

IF you answer YES to any of these questions, don’t wait! Get started now and connect with other Twits online. Seeing that you’ve made it this far into your decision, it’s obvious you do not have a life of your own to “Tweet” about; therefore, I implore you to consider this question: “Do you really think anyone gives a fuck about your mundane life?”

iPussy

2009-07-30T16:58:00.000-07:00

Just when it appears that yuppie dickhead social growth is dwindling, another tool is developed to fuel another dickhead explosion. In this case, Apple is fueling the fire with the release of the iPhone “3G”. Of course this is nothing new to us since we’ve seen two previous generations of iPhones turn our friends into social pricks. They used to be good people; that is, until the life changing moment a back-lit piece of glass lured them into a zombie state of consciousness. Now they prefer to poke the piece of glass instead of going outside to see if the weather is nice or if the sun even exists at all.
“Dude, just a minute while I check the weather” (as he finger-fucks a glass panel to coax the forecast to be pumped by the magical electronic gods at the speed of light).
Congradu-fucking-lations douche bag, you’ve figured out how to manipulate a device to allow you to keep your ass glued to the couch! I have heard rumors of another glass invention that allows you to check the weather at light speed. It’s called a FUCKING WINDOW. Sometimes the window is wet: That means that there is something called “rain” occurring in your neighborhood.

I once heard the beckoning of the iPhone and was excited at the possibility of having such a state-of-the-art device in my hands. It was then that I decided to go to Satan’s playground (AT&T) and try the new-fangled device in person… Surprisingly (at that time) the iPhone was $800 and they couldn’t get deliveries to the stores fast enough. What particularly disturbed me was the fact that I stood out like a sore thumb in the crowd. I was evidently the only one there entertaining the possibility of rejecting the phone. Of course I had to wait patiently in line behind nerds who were already intent on buying the phone but was killing time while poking the piece of electronic glass. With their rosey-red palms it was evident that; before me, stood two fine examples of 25 or 26 year old virginity. If I had to guess, I would say that these two geniuses were transported straight from their Mom’s basement to the AT&T store in minivans (in this case; private short-busses). Of course, the Jr. High School princesses were there as their Mommy’s and Daddy’s sat next to them in booths signing contracts (that locked them down for 2 or so years). Done deal and I digress. Finally, one of the two nerds in front of me was approached by a salesman who told him it was now time to sit in the booth. I’m still not too sure today about the facts but I suspect nerd boy #1 was ready to give the salesman a hand-job for picking him next. Having walked in and surpassing the clipboard toting secretary taking names, I was not on the list. Needless to say, I felt slightly pressured just to add my name to the list for the possibility of the store running out of phones before I made my decision to buy. Thankfully I did not and thus was able to maintain some unbiased perspective. I asked the remaining nerd if I could check the phone out and of course he reluctantly handed the device over. He had the same kind of look on his face that I would imagine a crack fiend has when he realizes he just burned his last rock. Alarms rang in my head and I was starting to make judgments about the crowd in the store. About this time, we were slightly distracted by a scene made by a bratty 20-something girl who was upset that her credit required her to pay “too much” for a deposit. I guess that’s what happens when you shirk your obligations to pay bills you acquire while trying to keep up with the other hipsters. So… The first thing I did was figure out how to unlock the screen (pretty intuitive and a definite plus). I realized right away that the phone was different from other crappy touch screens I dealt with in the past. I then figured out how to navigate my way to the phone screen to make a test call. I called my voice mail and was quickly unimpressed with the device as a phone due to speaker quality. I recorded a message and then made a second voicemail call to hear how my voice sounded from the other end. Not too great by any means and it was sitting at full reception strength. The next thing I did was check out how to type, which quickly pissed me off after about three keystrokes. I was pretty disappointed in the experience and decided it was best to wait it out until the price at least dropped to a reasonable amount. As I walked out of the store I noticed the coagulation of small groups in the parking lot to show off their cool, latest and greatest device. The phone calls to friends and people wondering around not watching where they walked had already begun before I walked into the store. God help the poor bastards trying to drive home holding a hard-on in one hand and a piece of glass in the other… It was best; I quickly decided, to get the fuck out of there before one of them seen me non-conforming to the mass movement. I could tell that they had started to turn into iPhone junkies… Soon they’d be full-fledged members of the dickhead clan and I’d be in a world of shit trying to get out of a parking lot jam-packed full with a herd of iZombies. God only knows what kinds of trouble I could have gotten into by turning their insecurities against them after they started running their mouths about the "iPhone hater".

Flash forward: Soon I begin to realize that I can’t so much as take a piss at a urinal without some douche bag yelling into his phone next to me. Again; a dick in one hand and the phone in another…

Flash back to the beginning: The new iPhone “3G” is the latest tool for the cool. Don’t get me wrong- If the iPhone is your thing then good for you. I have decided to separate my toys from my phones and am currently a Blackberry fanboy. I can get what I need done with the Blackberry quite well. I know what you’re thinking:
“But my iPhone has a compass app!”
Whoop-de-fuckin’-do Boy Scout! In the event that you decide to un-glue your ass from the sofa and go out in the woods, we can all rest assured that your phone has a compass. You can further get lost with no skill as a compass operator and let the rest of us know how that’s working for you at “3G” speeds. Of course the up side to this is that you will be supporting nature as the animals stalking you decide that you are a tasty treat (with nice, soft, rosey-red hands). God knows I’m an animal activist when it comes to this scenario. Of course that will also mean that there is another used hybrid car for sale in the local paper next Sunday. One owner, low miles and comes with a free iPhone that was only dropped once! I have an iPod Touch and frankly, the compass app sucks old, dried up, dead balls. If I want to know which way North is, I use another well known analog device called THE FUCKING SUN! Oddly enough, this giant ball of fusing gas sets in the West every evening and I didn’t even have to use a trial to see if it is compatible. As I once told my friend about the iPhone: “It’s a lot like a pussy. It’s fun to play and fuck with but I would never want to be stuck with one of my own.” But like I said: If it’s your “thing”; then good for you.

PS to nerds: Enjoy your iPussies. Maybe you can use the compass to find your self a hooker that will take your virginity before you die alone?

PS to hipsters: PLEASE designate at least one hand to free up for the steering wheel of your hybrid SUV. Neither your iPhone nor your cock will get lost if they're left in your pants and out of plain sight while you drive.

PS to bratty iGirls: No one gives a shit how popular you were in School. The jocks didn't really adore you as they passed you around like a worn out hat to each other (What? Did you HONESTLY think they were attracted to your personality?). Now you're being used up or ignored and one-upping your friends is actually making you more abrasive (if that's possible). Work on the personality, not the accessories sweetie. Believe me when I say that you might be the talk of the town but it's not a good conversation.